Pauses
I saw him a few years back at this exact same spot.
I was running away from my friends’ booze party , charting through the second week of what seemed like my breakup with carbs in an effort to not to drink away to the demise of my well-sculpted abs from yoga.
“ Di ka muapil nila?” I was stunned. Someone’s in the water, too. I was crawling around and floating in knee-deep waters in the darkest possible area by the beach around 50 meters from our cottage . It’s a man’s voice hinting his masculinity with those testosterones raging through that gruffly deep voice.
“Di lang guro ko uie; kapoy sigeg ihi-ihi.” That was just 100% of who I was. I never succumb to the idea of giving in to peer pressures when it comes to drinking and smoking. I drank wine with my family and flavored beer on New Year's but I never tried smoking ever. Attending this party was just my message of support to my friends, but I am never doing what they are doing if it against my morals, my will, and my values. I am well aware that when all goes wrong, no one’s got your back except yourself.
“Hmmmmm...” was his dry response. I veered away from him as I always made a mental note to stay away from strangers because as my mother always told me when I was a kid: never accept candies from strangers. This man was offering something I am rarely familiar with and I was about to find out what it is.
“Di ka muinom nuh?”, he queried.
“Depends, just not today kay I don’t trust the people I am with." I was floating with the smallest of waves rocking me back and forth while I was on all fours trying to stay afloat.
He let out a sigh of disbelief.
“ Paghilom uie kay mahibaw-an ko nila nga nagtago-tago ko dinhi”. It was more of a statement than a reprimand. I was always like that.
“ Kanang imong mga kuyog, halos naa na sila diri kada Friday night, ” he declared.
“ Hmmmm, I see.” I did not insinuate any interest in what he was saying to put an end to the conversation. Further than this, it will be a point of no return. The tabian in me will gladly accept the challenge.
“Nurse sab ka?”, he asked as he slightly inched closer to where I was. He leaned his face towards me, half-expecting a reply. I felt obliged to answer and it made me feel uncomfortable. Keeping my personal space intact was absolutely sacred to me. I don't want to be touched or be in close proximity with anyone at all. Their energy entering my bubble feels like a threat and it just interferes with mine and I would feel like walking away every time.
“Why?”, I replied listlessly. I wanted to go back to enjoying the warmth of the water as it soothes my sore back muscles. I had a long day or maybe a long week, in that case- the unit supervisor has been extra grumpy these days, the unit's capacity has always been full, all cases were toxic, I even forgot to pee, drink and eat my dinner for the entire 8 hours and on on multiple occasions. It was hellish and I don't want to spark any thoughts of talking about work on a Friday night.
A pause. I felt like I needed time to summon what was left of me as I felt drained by all of those who needed me while I never had someone give me anything like a boost or like a power up during an entire shift. It always feels like this after work- the exhaustion zooms right in the second all the chaos in the unit blurs out, me on my bus ride, recalling all of what I might have missed , and then planning how my night would end with my clothes washed, my shoe cleaned, my body bathed, and my bed warmed to receive me into a night of silent slumber. Then I wake up, and repeat the dreaded routine. Don't get me wrong, though. I love my job. It just consumes me, sometimes.
“Ikaw?” I felt the need to ask. He was initiating some small talk and I had been snobbishly blocking him since.
“Nope.” I was starting to think that the tables have turned.
“Banker? Wow!” I was even surprised with my guesses.
“Di sab.” He knows he was having the reigns in this conversation now.
“Teacher?”
“Nope”. He was puffing water out of his mouth trying hard not to laugh the water in.
Computer-related chuchu?”
He let out another chuckle. There was a 5-minute pause. I gave up. What would be the point of knowing him more when I knew that I might not be seeing him again after tonight. I would be wasting my energy and robbing myself of some precious minute that I could have spent in silence and meditation.
“Tagna ra kay mu yes ra ko ug sakto na ka," he
“Buntag na, Doc?”I was laughing like crazy after saying this. I always half meant almost everything like they were double -edged swords.
“Buang”. Then, he moved nearer me. I was waiting for him to say something but I sensed that he held back. I was sizing him up as he was sizing my inability to handle whatever greens he had. I am never afraid of what I say to other people. What I say need not become what I do. I have mastered the art of allowing the other end of the conversation to say his mind out unfiltered as I lay my truth and my half-truths carelessly. It's give and take. You say your worst hoping that he'd say lay his demons in return.
“Politico?”
“Di pa.”
“So, naay plano?”
“Wa sab.”
“ But you are considering? Ay inay... Bahala ka ug unsa ka uie. Basta mura lang tag truck sa highway. Keep distance.” It was me who started it so I drew the line.
We were silent.
“So, ganahan jud ka maghulom ug dagat magabie?” he asked.
“When I get the chance. Ikaw, perme ka diri nuh if you see them most Fridays?” He seemed like a nice guy. I just can't seem to fathom the magnitude of my self control these days with me being so taxed out at work, having went through a breakup just about a week ago, the ambiance being like that in movies where the
“Good thinking. Kung pwede. Kapoy akong lawas sa trabaho. “
“Construction worker?”
“Dool-dool na.”
“Welder? Helper? Galibog ko.Nag HRM? Labandero? Unsa paman tong mga kurso sa among eskwelahan ha?” I got no reply. No hints whatsoever.
“Kahibaw ka nganung warm ang dagat magabie?” This was in our fifth grade book and I know this because we had an experiment on waves and tides but I wanted to play dumb just to know where this was going.
“I may have just the slightest idea but you can enlighten me.” I obliged.
It was a long night and I did not realize that the hours passed by so quickly. The drift of our conversations were too far engaging that I even forgot that I haven't had dinner. He fascinates me. It's like we have been friends in our past lives. He has a different take on so many things most of which were sides of stories that you wouldn't expect.
It was one of those conversations that really mattered. He talked about the stars.Orion’s belt. The J-shaped constellation which changes position all throughout the year. Clouds. HAARP Conspiracy. Coral Bleaching. The moon and how the dark part looks like a reflection of the earth. Mura jud diay ug mapa sa Asia and Russia.
Then, out of the blue, he asked “So if wa kay salig nila, nganung minkuyog man ka?”
“Pakikisama kay workmates.”I smiled to myself. Nakatawa bitaw pod ko nako nga minkuyog ani nila just because I got invited.
“So , minsalig gyud ka?” he rephrased. Nganu man gyud kaha that I keep on meeting people nga pilosopo pod.. Like attracts like. Pilosopo gud pod guro ko.
“Not really. I trust myself more.” Gihalungkay gyud nako ang kinailadman sa rason ug nganu tood nga confident kaayo ko mukuyog nga dili man mi ani nila super friends.. Work acquaintances ra gyud ni sila pero welcoming kaayo sila.
"Nga?" He keeps on.
“Nga kung magkinaunsa, I trust that I won’t do anything stupid nga ma-compromise akong future just because of peer pressure. Laag. White beach, you know. Plus, ug magkinaunsa kung naay mang-rape, makadagan pa kog mga 5kms.” I laughed at the idea just as he did.
“So, wa ka nahadlok karon?
"Hui , ka- creepy ba?" Long pause.
"Should I be afraid of you?" was my honest question.
Should you?
Pagtarong ba!
Unya nganu nag inusara man ka diri?
“Usual routine na lagi. “
“Kada gabie?”
“Hmmmm.”
“So, dool, ra diri inyong balay?”
“You could say that?”
“Yahaya gud nimo. Pwede ka maligo’g dagat any time you want.”
“Mao man ta na akong ganahan uie nganu mang maot tanang dagat 40 kms in any direction gikan sa akong gitrabahuan uie.”
“Change jobs.”
“Wow , datu! Di keri, Sir..Pang-haciendera ra kaayo ng imong tambag.Ako rang gusto, magwork ko as ER nurse, swelduan maski 40k per month, maggunting papel, maglukot cotton balls or cherry balls, mag health teaching, manusok rag dekstros, nindot ang workplace environment ug nurse-patient ratio. If you know, what I mean.”
“ Fantasy pod kaau na uie. It’s just a matter of perspective- dapat mupili kag asay mas importante para nimo?”. This guy has a point. Di ko sure if kasabot jud siya anang healthy workplace environment apil na ang saktong supplies and equipment sa hospital ug kanang sakto g nurse:patient ratio. Nindot man mangitag laing trabaho sa among isla. Kana kung daghan kaau kang manahon or daghan na kaau kang tinigom.
“You know how it is for us nurses these days. Muskwela kag perting kapuya pasaron nga subjects and clinicals , gastog more than half million pero inig abot nas trabahuay, underappreciated kaau among profession. Swerte na kaayo kag swelduan kag 8k. Ang uban kay JO lang nga pang minimum wage. Maet.”
“Compromise.”
“Unsaon?”
“Work maski almost for free na imong services but live each day in a paradise?”
“Cynical ra kaayo uie. I didn’t graduate as such just to be that ordinary and mediocre. Wa sab koy planong mag Mother Teresa all my life.” Minsantop jud sa akong huna huna nga magminyo sab ko uie. Sayang akong genes maski di ko gwapa.
“Mao na diha kay habog kaayo kag pride. Simple ra kaayo ang life imong e complicate”.
“Lisod e-marry ang rewarding job and the dream nga beachfront akong house.It will take me years para maka save ug amount to live a free life.”I reasoned with him. Syempre, kahibaw na ta.If you want to know someone, his morals, his character, hambugero level, bulalaon level, his intentions, his passion ug uban pang mga shon diha, you throw questions casually to keep him talking, so you can start diagnosing.
He then interrupted by asking , “speaking of marry, (are) you married?” Just like any other convos you’ve had, it’s either muabot ang topic ug tae or about uyab2 minyo minyo... So predictable this guy.
“What do you think?” I smiled. Gamay paman ta kog lawas dayon ngitngit sab so nagwonder jud kog akong ba kahang gulang jud ko tan awon nga pang minyo na maski silhouette lang. No offense sa mga gwapa na daan nga dili jud matandog ang beauty maski walo nay anak. Di gani ko klaro sa iyang nawong kung unsa gyud ni siyag hitsura. Hopeful kaau ko nga makapasar ni iyang panagwat maski cute gamay lang kay madaot akong gibalay balay nga dagway niya based on his voice and what we have talked about so far. Sexy siya paminawon den ma feel nako nga dili xa trying hard magpa macho voice. Relaxed lang. Dili buo; dili basag. Sakto lang.
“Hmmmmm...” He seems uneasy...
“Ikaw, (are) you married?”...
“Nope. Dili pa.”
“So padungay na?”, I asked right away kay I also felt the need to do so. Nobody wants to drown in the middle of the night kay gilumsan sa fiancée sa iyang katabi nga wa gani niya ma-ask ug unsay name. Ipagawas lang sa investigation nga nagSui ky fresh from a breakup. Walay dungog .
“Sort of. Nobody’s getting any younger.” I need not ask more kay I don’t want to appear too eager to pry on his life. Kung unsa ray kayang e-share, diha ra ta taman. Basin engaged na ni siya. Cue na to.
“It’s getting late and tugnaw. I’d better go”, I finally said as I rose to shore.. “It’s around 11 and most of my workmates kay niadto nas ilang rooms or super wasted na sa beach huts nalang gyud nakatog.
“You wanna go in with me and have coffee? Kadali lang gud.”, he offered and motioned towards the cottage nga dool sa beach front. He exudes this vibe nga di ka pwede mu-No sa iyang gimando kay murag rule na gyud siya.
Patay coffee, I thought. Mao na gyud lageh ni. Lex, bisan kinsa pa gyud na laki, mu-offer jud nag mainom para ma-trap ang bayi... SOP gyud yata na nila sa ilang manual...
Before I even thought about it, I was walking alongside him padung sa iyang cottage. Nakahuna-huna kog “kayumangging kaigatan”, inside joke jud na namo nilang Juan Ernesto and Iben... Wala bya ko kaila ani niya. What if serial killer ni siya then pareha ning storyha adtong gibasa nako sa librong mga baligya adtong magsuroy sa eskwelahon namo sa Elementary-katong story sa spider and the fly. Yatafsh.. I studied my exit route just in case things would go wrong and looked for objects nga pwede nako ibunal niya ug magkinaunsa. Or basin ako iyang last ticket before siya maminyo. Patay ug mamabdos ko. So, haskang luoya nako ani.. MMK na gyud ni akong entry ani or Handumanan sa Usa Ka Awit. Hahaha. Advance kaayo ko mag-isip.
My morbid thoughts were pacified after nabantayan nako nga sa terrace ra diay ko taman. Hahhahahah. Feeler kaau ko. So much for watching Criminal Minds. Hahaha
I can’t seem to understand myself but the thought that nikuyog ko niya kay mangapi nga libre man pod unta mig kape sa among cottage which is, by the way , 5 huts away from his, ga-inigat ra gyud ko ani klaro na kaayo——-or basin kay lami ikatabi ng mga people who don’t know you kay free kaau ka mu express sa imong gihuna-huna without the fear of being judged kay tutal, di bitaw mo magkita kanunay. He came out with his shirt on and he handed me what seemed like T-shirt niya nga wa natarong ug piko ug beach shorts nga haskang luaga nako akong gibaat murag belt ang drawstring. “To ease the cold,” he said while handing the clothes. “Pag-ilis sa, I’ll go check the water.”
He came back not only with coffee and 2 bottles of beer but also with a 3-hour allowance para magtabi. It was a relief that he doesn’t smoke. Makaginhawa ra gyud kog tarong. Daghan na siyang nalaag. Most of the places nga akong naadto, nalaag na sab niya. Supporter pod siya anang PinasMuna pero ming adto na siyag Japan. Mahilig siyag HunterXHunter ug Ghostfighter. Daghan siyang gi-suggest nga mga pagkaon. Dayon there is no other way daw to describe a Milky Way shoot but to experience it firsthand. Mu-climb maski day hike lang. Pero ang pinaka-nindot niya nga suggestion ever based sa akong ma discern pod is una, to spend a week or so sa Batanes group of Islands ang magpizza and beer dool sa lighthouse ; ikaduha is mangape sa sayong buntag while nagtent sa Isla de Gigantes. Daghan pa gyud giabtan to nga tabi then I decided to finally go back sa sakyanan and didto nalang matulog not because wa koy salig niya if didto ko matulog but because wa koy salig nako. Emotions can be deceiving- labi na gikan siyag breakup then ako pod. I didn’t see him again before mi min-uli or for several months thereafter.
Apoptosis
A part of us dies a little each day and that is called APOPTOSIS.
It's normal and natural and we all have to live with it. This is what I was experiencing figuratively and literally.
I try to live as normally as I can each day, but every breath feels like I am underwater- I breath but nothing just reaches my lungs, I eat but everything tastes the same , I sleep and I still feel unrested upon awakening- nothing there can suffice the thirst of a soul.
The several months thereafter that I was referring to passed by like a newly hatched turtle scrambling itself towards the sea. I wanted it to pass by quickly, but I can do nothing except to wait for it to happen.
I was waiting in agony.
I never received any text or call from that man on the beach for that matter and believe me, I was hoping to get one because I needed someone to talk to- that badly. He was someone I am comfortable of talking with, someone who can offer me something that I do not already know.
The several months took off and did me a lot of realizations and crazy routines in my journey to healing and ,boy, was I ever glad that I went through it alone and never had anyone to use as a rebound.
2014 was a turning point for me, I guess. Among the most prominent reflections that I had was that my previous relationships all went in shambles.
It must be that my brother had several encounters that also went in bonkers because he was being an a** and now I am reaping the fruits of his labor aka KARMA with an A but I refused the thought and shoved it under the carpet.
There must be a good reason that it did not work out and dili na tungod sa gibuhat ni kinsang Poncio Pilatuha. Maybe God really has seen things and overheard conversations that I did not, so He also made a move that I also couldn’t make. The breakups were meant to happen, and these events keep on repeating because I refuse to learn a lesson. Ug unsa pod to na lesson, I wasn’t able to figure it out just yet.
So much for planning to have your first love to also be your last. Naa ra gyud siguro’y mga tawo nga swerti kaau, magkita na dayon silas para sa ilaha. Kanang dili sila masayop sa una nilang mauyab and sadly, I wasn’t one of them.
May man na ug sakit kay if naay signs and symptoms, ipa-laboratory or unsa pa nga confirmatory test, e diagnose na ni Doc, if musanong sa tambal, aw mao na gyud to. There wasn’t even like a birthmark of a code on their body parts saying that he was really for you so it would be easier for us to distinguish one from the other.
Three weeks after my most recent breakup and 2 weeks after seeing that guy sa beach, Xysa, my cousin and workmate, has observed that even if I ate the same amount of food every day and we ate together, though I snacked a lot more, I have been drastically losing weight.
I also have been sleeping a lot along with her as in pareha ra mig routine so it also bothered me now that there was also a validation that whatever I was in, the breakup really hit me hard.
If I was losing myself to mild depression, I don’t know but one thing is for sure, I am bigger than this and I’m not giving up my goddamn self to this.
Basin in denial lang gyud ko nga na sad ko over the breakup and my body is taking the toll. So, I tried making a post-breakup routine to take a hold of my sanity and my mental health kay maybe I was holding back a lot kay uwaw pod daghan makabalo nga in despair ka or something. So, the routine involves a certain oras nga magdrama ko even if I don’t feel like crying. This war with myself starts with me waking up at 6 AM to start my daily routine, which is as follows:
6:30 -Meditate then Practice Yoga
7:00 - Wash clothes
7:30- Jog-Run-Sprint-Walk
8:30AM- Breakfast sa Robinson’s (dili ni Mall, promise)
9:00- e-Admire ang Abs (Narcissist lang ang peg)
9:02- maghilak after movie clip-watching katong part ni Bea sa FourSisters and a Wedding
10:00 - matulog na kay kapoy nag hilak
2:00- wash then Prep up for Work
2:30- Work
12:30AM- Kaon Sundae (basta katong tag 10 nga nahimong tag 12 and ambot tagpila na na karon ) and/or Fries sa Jolibbee
1:00AM- Go home magsakay ug Sikad kay fresh air, den dili alingasa
1:30AM- Wash then Rest/Sleep
It took me 3-4 weeks before ning give up sa hilak2 part kay I also have observed that I already maintained a healthy weight and I found it stupid kay memorized na nako kaayo ning part ni Inday Bea sa confrontation with their Mom which was my go-to movie scene to help me start crying. I was in bonkers, I can tell you that. I knew it was time to move on and live a more normal life that needed no absurd routines.
I focused more on yoga and my Youtube Channel.
But just like any other plots in a movie, when we start giving up and magpuyo nga malinawon, someone throws a stone in the water just to create ripples.
"How is it going?". I received this text message at 9PM while I was at work and with the severity of the situation that I and my student was in, I wanted to call back, whoever this unknown sender is and just share how shitty my day went.
I was also thinking that it could be one of my superiors and they may have heard along the grapevine that my student dropped an ampule on the floor thus breaking a three-thousand worth of medicine, which we cannot find in the hospital's pharmacy. So, I messaged back that unknown texter that all drugstores nearby are either already closed or that they don't have such medicine. The worst thing was that I am never the type who brings a lot of money to work just because I have no plans of needing it while at work. Of all the days, why should this happen on a Friday? Supposedly, my shift would end smoothly, and it would be a Fly day, right? It came out to be the worst shift ever.
"Send me the brand name and I'll try to look around" was the message I received.
"Ikaw ni friend, or kaw ni ying or ikaw ni Ma'am Cot? Salamat kaayo daan. Pay ko ugma dayon, pramis!", was my grateful message. I felt relieved after solving my dilemma and that the physician’s trash talk would no longer be replaying in my head as I have found the best solution.
“Found it. Be there in 5”. This was the promising message I happened to read through the notifiactions and it made my heart leap. I have this compulsion to keep everything working smoothly, and to make everything right kay di ko ganahan ma- tainted ang reputation sa among school.
I was impatiently pacing back and forth sa may gate near the highway, waiting for the medicine. Minutes passed and as I was starting to doubt if I was being scammed or toyed with when an SUV parked in front of me.
I have no friends who bring their SUVs around Ozamiz at this hour- Magpedicab ra gyud usually. Gaduda ko ug kinsa man gani maghatod ug tambal kay the only ones who witnessed the incident was just me, my student, the physician and the staff. Maybe this wasn’t my ‘text mate’. Nagduda pod ko kay wala kaayo koy friend nga inglesero/a sa text.
So I stepped back a little, basin kawaton ko and ibaligya akong organs kay that was one of the hot topics sa radio news.
When a familiar figure stepped out and handed me a paper bag, a familiar rhythm found its way to my chest.
“You owe me coffee!”, he said cheerfully.
“Hoy! Hala! Laen kaayo ka. Ikaw diay to!”, ako gyud siyang gihapak sa bukton… It was about 14 months and I knew he has been keeping shape since we met.
There was a minute or two of awkward silence just looking at each other. I had a lot in my mind, and I don’t know what to ask first? I had so much to ask, I had so much to tell him.
“Uy, kanang, salamat kaayo. Unsaon man nako ni ha. Starting meds ni niya and karon na gyud ihatag. And naa koy students inside. I can’t leave them unless naa na sila atubangan sa ilang house nya gihatod sa bus unyang alas onse. Pwede rag ugma ang coffee? Work calls. Balik sa ko sa sulod.” I was so lost for a more decent thing to say and I did not make a gap for him to answer or to squeeze in.
“Okay. Pack for 3 days. I’ll meet you in Burgos later at 1,” was all he said.
“Ha? Unsa? I’m not going with anyone anywhere uie? Least of all, 3 days jud? Ala una agad? As in? Bayaran lang tika beh,” I reasoned.
“Not necessary. I just have to be somewhere. Kuyugi lang gud ko. It’s the least that you could do to repay me,” he pleaded.
“Hoy ha, that is way too much. I don’t even know your name dayon magkuyog ta for 3 days,” I said.
“We’ll get to know each other on the way,” he said while looking into my eyes.
“Are you sure about this?”, I said questioningly.
“You should be asking yourself that,” he said with his wry smile as he hoped back into his black SUV and drove off until only tiny dots of his taillights can be seen.
Oh boy! Did that just happen?!
How did I let this happen? Why did I allow him to control this conversation and its outcome? But I shove off all these thoughts upon entering the ER. Kinahanglan mag zone jud ta pagsulod kay there are no longer any room for errors here.
After 3 gunshot, 4 OB and 9 medical admissions thereafter, our shift finally ended.
While the bus was dropping each of the students to their doorsteps, I can’t help but think of what I am about to enter. His was a world I knew nothing of and I have a feeling he is well-acquainted with this game.
Trust me on this- anything involving travel excites me but this offer, by far , has been sending shivers down my spine - even just a mere thought of it.
How did he know I was still living in a dormitory?
What will we be doing in those 3 days?
Do we split bills?
Where were we heading?
What could be his intention of looking for me all this time?
Was he bored?
But most of all, why me?
My spidey senses are telling me something is wrong somewhere, but I shoved every thought down the sink and flushed my fears with a bucket load of water.
I have figured out this game a million times before.
We only die once... and we live each day of our lives on a rat race in a running wheel going nowhere but here.
What do I have to lose if I embark on this adventure?
Well, probably everything -reputation, life, kidney haha, work.
Why do I trust this guy enough to go with him in the middle of the night then for a 3-night getaway?
Has my mind been clouded lately?
Had I been lonely?
Was I that desperate for a man?
Was I longing for attention?
Maybe it is the thrill of an unknown adventure.
If it is true that curiosity killed the cat, this cat has 9 lives and only 4 has been wasted. I still have 5 more to spare.
I told the guard beforehand that I will just be in and out in 30 minutes when I clocked in at around 12 and I’ll be out of our dormitory for 3 days. Yes, at 26 years old, I still live in a dormitory. I hurriedly took a shower and rechecked my Gala Bag (that’s what I call my pre-packed bag for ‘emergency’ travels) but this is not the kind of emergency travel that I have planned for. This bag was intended for my unplanned travels with Yuan, Iben, Ernie and Madonna.
As I passed by the grotto of Our Lady of Miraculous Medal, I silently whispered for her to help me with my decision tonight and for the nights to come.
As I was signing the logbook handed to me by the guard, it feels as if I have waived for my security and my entire life as he closed the gate on my face.
The black SUV was there and to this point, there is no way that I am chickening out.
“You okay?”, he asked but not in a creepy way. It was more of an open, casual, non- judgy way of asking.
“I guess. Why’d you ask?”
“Kuan, mmmmm, ngaon sa ta?”, he offered.
“Tala! I’m starving.”
As he drove off to a seafood/ Mexican restaurant, boy, I was so glad. Nothing satisfies a hungry stomach than unlimited rice and magkinamot nga magkaon.
He motioned me to a corner table near the band playing acoustic songs. We sang to most of the songs and talked about albums of artists and stuff but for most of the time when the food arrived, we didn’t talk that much.
I wanted to savor my food as if like cattle prepared for slaughter or that I was so super hungry, I had no time to spare for socialization. It was about 3AM when the resto was about to close and he decided we had to go.
“Where are we going?” I asked impatiently as we drove back to the highway.
“Have you slept in an airport before?”
“A couple of times or so adtong nagskwela ko,why?” I didn’t get a reply. He was more focused on the road.
“Matog tas airport? 9 AM pa tawon ilang first flight uie.” Still he did not say a word. He didn’t even look at me.
Gapakuyog ra ni siya sa airport unya ngano man nga padad on kog gamit nga pang tulo ka adlaw? We made a hard left before reaching the airport to enter the subdivision. Meged, taga Ozamiz sab ni siya?
“Naog sa ta.” A lot of things are running in my mind. Nagpack kog 3 days nga silingan man diay ra mi? Mag unsa man mi diri, magbalay-balay? Such a letdown. This was not the kind of adventure that I wanted to have. Pfffffft.
“You want coffee or you’d prefer nga matog sa kadali?”
“Second option and I’ll spend it here on your couch, okay ra?”
“I have a spare room for guests,” he offered.
“Nope. I’m good.”
“Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure. Pukawa lang ko before ta manlakaw.”
“Okay, matog sa ko kadiyot then pukawon nako si Lola at 6AM.” This even gets more interesting kay the Lola is included in the picture. Unsa man ni akong gisudlan uie. Mukatawa ba kos akong nasudlan or unsa. Iya gyud yata ning balay kay manly man keo ang mga butang. The thought of me being with his Lola later kept me awake. I never even knew this guy. Alangan pod nuh ug mangukay kos iyang mga drawers para mapangita iyang name. Wa say mga bills nga gi-magnet sa ref. Life sucks. I’m stupid and dumb for going with this person. I prepared my coffee and watched the bubbles whirl around my cup until it became cold and stale.
“ ‘la, si Alel, kuyog nato padung Cebu unya. Nurse ni siya.” Oh hello there, Lola. Charot lang. Wa ko nagkabuang ug binugay. Ming bless ra ko niya.
“ Hi ‘la, good morning. Sayo na nuan kaau ka nimata.”
“Lageh, we have to be at the airport early on. I can't be out there running late. As if I could still run, nuh?” That left me laughing. In fairness, di siya maldita.
We talked a lot during the 2-minute drive to the airport. I sent him a message while his lola was busy talking about him and why they had to fly to Mandaue right away. Magpailis diay daw siyag battery sa pacemaker dayon makipuyo sa siya sa iyang anak didto and other chika. Makalingaw biya pod siya.
‘Akong ticket?” was the message I sent him.
‘Got that covered.’ I didn’t know how he did it but he did ask for my ID and I boarded the flight with them and it was never boring because daghan kaayong balon nga tabi iyang Lola- from how she met Izhar’s lolo to how they ended up being in Ozamiz. Yes, I finally knew his name and he slept the entire flight. Gi-hire guro ko ani niya nga mag private nurse sa iyang Lola pero sige ra kay lingaw kaau si Lola. Gikilig while nagnarrate sa ilang mga kaagi. It was full of surprises. What is even more surprising is that when we arrived sa Mactan Airport, murag ilang tibook clan mintagbo. My mind was running a thousand fs of how I was going to spend three days on a reunion with people I barely know. What have I gotten myself into?!
Murag lami kaau magtabon ug habol and malanay nalang then mu evaporate. Unsa man ni akong gisudlan uie.
Kung akoy relative, seeing him and his Lola para magpa check-up with a new woman nga wa pa nila kaila months after sa breakup sa iyang ex, makahuna huna jud nga ‘here comes the rebound’.
Gusto ko mag sash ug ‘minkuyog ra ko niya kay ingon siya mulaag mi’. This is the most awkward I have been to. Gamay kayo akong utok jud ai.
‘Lel, akong family.” Yutaaaaaaa, lamuna nalang ko.
‘’’My, si Alel,” he motioned to his Mom.
“Hi, Tita!”, I smiled. Humot kaayo iyang mama pagbeso namo. Gosh, naulaw ko kay wa koy ligo.
“Dy,” he said while minbless siyas iyang papa. His dad looked at me with a comprehensive look.
“Hi, Tito. Maayong adlaw”. Ga- panic kog slight. Tando tando ra iyang gesture.
“My cousins”. There was a chorus of ‘hi ate’ and I was pleased that they were all super friendly.
“Ya, kuyuga mi sa Iloilo ya,” one of his cousins requested.
“Pagpuyo. Kamo say bantay ni Lola. Manglaag ra ta inig uli namo.” That namo thing made me feel like a I am part of something but not really.
“Naa nas Te Jezel nimo ug si Uncle Romie sa hospital. I think we should go kay ganiha ra sila naghuwat,” her mom said to him.
“ Alel, it was nice meeting you. He said you still have important business to do before your flight so I guess I won’t invite you to go with us sa hospital. Amping mo, okay?”
“Sige, Tita.Thank you,” I said as they all hurried back to their van. His Lola also has thanked me for being entertaining daw during the flight and while nagbeso beso mi , she has invited me to visit her right after our trip because she is going to teach me her ultimate recipes. I looked at him while he was watching them disappear through the curve.
“That went well, don’t you think?”, he said to me.
“I think so” I walked ahead of him, “. I’m starving,” and entered the pizza house in the airport.
I slept at the airport while waiting for our flight at 8PM, even snored maybe during the entire flight and was still groggy while going to the hotel in Iloilo. He still did not tell me the exact itinerary of our trip and the whys and hows but I had this idea that he wouldn’t dare do anything illegal like sell me or something since I have seen his entire family already. I did not even care that we only had a king-sized bed and after my bath, I went back to sleep on the bed on a hungry stomach while he was out looking for dinner.
I was awakened by my grumbling tummy at 3 AM and he was there reheating my could-have-been dinner.
“Didn’t bother to wake you up kay gahagok ka, asta imong lubot,” he teased.
“Traydor! Kapoy ko ba. Gutom pa jud. Gikabuhi pajud kos biyahe, you know!”, he had this smile painted on his lips while I ate in silence as he watched the local news.
“ Wa ka natulog?”, I asked.
“ I did. Pero gigutom kog balik.”
We talked about politics and the weather, then I forgot what else we talked about kay I remembered na nagtando tando nalang ko, tig repeat sa iyang gistorya then nakatulog nakog balik.
We had an early call at around 5AM then I went back to sleep while on a van. Kami ra duha so I had the entire row for myself. Then, I was awakened by the realization that our van has made a stop. When I opened my eyes, I saw the driver paying for gas and I wasn’t able to find him. The
driver, being perceptive enough told me, “ Nag-grocery po siya , Maam,” he said pointing at the mini stop. “Okay, kuya. Thank you po.” I went out of the van and went back to the driver to ask him, “Kuya, ano nga po palang pangalan niyo?” “Manny, Maam, Manny”, he said.
“Pacquiao? Charot. Joke lang kuya.”
Before I could reach the store, he got out and asked me, “Do you need anything?”
“Chocolate ra ug paras lamok.”
“I have those here na. Pero wala kay particular klase nga ganahan?”
“You mean brand? Bisan unsa ra uie basta dili expired.” I told him off. He smiled.
" Can you please tell me where we are heading?" I asked.
"You'll see," he said teasingly.
The rest of the ride was spent eating and even Manong Manny was mum about where he was taking us. I never really read about Iloilo before. I was more of a Batanes-Coron-Tawi-Tawi type of person.
We traveled for another 30 minutes which seemed like hours then Manong Manny finally announced, "Maam, Sir, welcome to Bancal Port, you're gateway to Isla de Gigantes.
He looked at me and demanded. "I want my coffee early at sunrise tomorrow".
I turned to him, and his face was half- expecting a reaction from me- I cried in excitement and hugged him. It was as if my soul knew him before and his knew mine.
Limits
Scott once said, “There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.” This Scott guy may be right.
——————-
Bancal Port, Iloilo
“Ingon ka 3 days?” 😒 I blurted out at him. He has these open-ended lines that warrant more possibilities that you could imagine. You may sometimes think you are right about how you understand what he said but there is still an ellipsis to it.
“Magdala palang kag maleta, maka ingon silang mommy magtaban na ta" he smirked while unloading our bags.
“Buang.” Akong gihapak iyang biceps. Nindot man bunalan.
I had a truckload of imaginings and the possibilities of what I am going to do there are endless so I turned to him and said, “Are you sh**ting me? Mahurot kaha nakog enjoy ni in a day?” 🤦🏽♀️ I can imagine myself like a toddler being taken to a carnival.
“Ingon ko magdala ug clothes enough for 3 days. Wa ko nag ingon nga 3 days rata.”😏he reasoned. He never runs out of ways to outwit me in every possible situation with his reasoning. I rolled my eyes at him. Makalagot. He’s clever and he knows it.
“Dagat paman gud na imong gitan aw oh!”😩he lip points to the glittering sea and while he is doing this , I was starting to feel my knees melting but I refused to be the weaker part of this non-verbal conversation and looked towards a different direction while answering, “Exactly, my point. Dagat! And how do you suppose I work out my leave of absence from work?”
“Medical certificate, " he blurted out, in a matter-of-factly way.
“Bad kaau ka,” was my reply but at the back of my head, Ma'am Vercel's and Ma'am Meg's voices are echoing - that if you do not do your job with utmost respect and honesty , 'your sins will find you'. This is why I do not always swallow the magical stone from the first banana blossom during full moon and just guess the V/S of my patients using my so-called 'clinical eye'. I almost always do things by the book and I hate it.
“I know,” he said as he hopped onto the boat with my bag. He didn't look my way as if he knows that if I hint just a bit of hesitation on his part too, I would surely turn my back and hop back to the van.
“Can’t betray my school , or my work or my students.” I wasn't really playing hard-to-get, I was taking my moment and calculating the risks and how to pull this off without sacrificing anything or anyone.
“It’s either them or this,” he declared. If what he meant by ‘this’ is the boat which will take me to Isla de Gigantes with him in it, then you would know to which side this argument is leaning towards. And this boat with my bag on it is about to be chosen. “Pili lang,” he said in an unflinching manner.
I know it’s too late to go back so I made my way to my seat on the boat. Nakainvest nakog kinakusgang kabuhi sa byahe and I am still nauseous, by the way, and is about to be more sea sick after the boat ride. I hope someone will take over my duty schedule next week. What excuse shall I tell Ernie para siya mu duty for me kay clear iyang schedule for next week. Life sucks and I suck at telling lies to my friend.
“I don’t wanna regret this,” I said to him, and he smiled tauntingly. Apparently, it seems as if I am telling this more to myself than I am telling it to him.
“Ikaw gud!” He said this in his bland tone making it seem like he made me do the decision without his influence. " You could always ask your friend, Ernie , to cover for you." he asked.
"Uie, how did you-?" Needless to say, Ernie and I are all over Facebook, too.
I enjoyed the hour-and-a-half ride sa outrigger boat in silence kay saba kaau ang engine. If we talk, kailangan pa mi maghung-hungay so I settled with savouring the scent of the salty mist. I chose well and my decision was right. Salamat ni Lord and ni Our Lady of Miraculous Medal.
When we arrived at Gigantes Norte, we headed to our off-the-grid Gigantes Hideaway Resort. We had coffee as our welcome drink served under the shade of a Talisay tree.
While having lunch nga rice, scallops , tinola and sinugba, I couldn’t help but askhim this question that I have been itching to ask, “How did you find me?”
“Wasn’t exactly looking for you.”
“Mmmmm?”. I replied with an unconvinced expression.
“Well, you texted me first.”
“Me? Pagsure uie! Kanus- a man?”
“Mga 3 weeks ago.”
“Can’t remember a time that I ‘researched’ about you tawon nuh. So busy with my work and life pod, wa koy time magstalk nimo. Abeh palang maot ta , maglanat. Di sab ka in ana ka gwapo.”
“Hoy! Kadaghan ba sa nastorya uie. Chill”, he said to me while he was at war with the squid. Naitom iyang ngipon feeling nako naka balos ko pinaagi sa squid. Ano ka ngayon, ha?! Itom keo kag ngipon.
“Nagrefer kag patient, pero imong student nagdala sa chart,” he said.
“Weeeh. You’re kidding right?”
“No! Naa jud kay message diri uie.. Sweet kaau nimo pagka- refer ang patient. Kulang lang ang data.”
“Nagrefer? Seriously, I feel so incompetent, unsa may kulang ana? Let me read.”
I read through the text and laughed at myself. He was right.
“Mao diay imo nalang gipakuha ang chart,” I said with a depressed look. “I feel like gi-betray nako akong alma mater.”
“Grabeh uie. It’s just a small thing. There were those who did worse than that,” he said reassuringly. Pero bully kaau siyag nawong.
“You were just saying that to make me feel better,” I replied. I reviewed the incident in my head and I was almost surprised nga nagkulang pa jud ko. It's water under the bridge though so I virtually erased the thought in my mind.
“Gamay ra kaau na uie. I got the whole picture man sab. Ako lang gyud gi review iyang history, in case I missed something. Kit an jud tika pag adto nakos ward. Maldita kaau ka, nagtighawak , nagsugo sugo sa students,” he parodied like I'm a 'Donya nga nanugo sa mga saop'. Hahaha
“Hoy wala tawon uie. Taka man ka. Di kaha ko in ana. Pero Di ko ka move on nga incomplete akong gisend.. Ah Daaah, na discharge bya pod to siya pagka week after that,” I said, dismissing the sob story.
“Exactly,” he said as he gestured towards the sea.
“So, you mean you are ‘the’ I. F.?” I said, exaggerating the quote hand-gesture.
“What do you mean by “the I. F.?”
“Kana bang isuwat sa door sa patient?”, I said to his clueless face.
“Hahay.. Never mind.” I told him with a dismayed look. ‘Brayt Lageh unta menos sab ug pick up,’ I thought to myself but actually thought out loud.
“Our boat is here. Let’s go snorkelling for today,” he declared.
Patay.
Number 1: di ko kahibaw magsnorkel.
Number 2 : wa koy muscle memory to breath through my mouth and not through my nose
Number 3 : ten seconds ra gyud akong breath hold just in case pugson ko niya nga mag dive. Pero of course, kaladkarin tayo uie, so yes to all.
Kay if there ever was one thing that I learned in college , it was that when you are offered a job but you don’t know how to do it, say Yes to the opportunity and learn the skill on the way.. Like when you are asked to jump off a building, you do the leap and develop wings on the way down.
“You are from Siquijor , so sige mog snorkel?”
“Purdoy uie.Wa koy gear plus akong mama magsige syagit nga lawm na daw kaau mi maski taga hawak ra ang dagat”, I laughed out crazily.
“I get the point.Lucky for you, I brought you fins and mask. I hope it fits,” he said expectingly.
“Should I be concerned nga you know a lot about me and I knew nothing of you? Di man sab ka serial killer or unsa ba kaha nuh?”, he laughed while I was saying this.
“You are all over Facebook. It isn’t difficult to find out anything about you.”
“I am not all over Facebook,” I said unbelievingly.
“Yes, you are and don’t argue so we can proceed with relearning the basics.”
Nganu man gyud ni siya nga mag therapeutic uie. Relearning jud ang term nga wa gani ta ka in ana sukad. Gitarong jud ni siyag pa dako sa iyang mama ug ni tarong pod siyag dako himself. Pero bully gihapon while gatudlo siya nako.
If I were to choose a man, I would choose one not only with whom I can learn something from about things and skills and stuff but also with whom I can explore things about myself. Kanang Dili selfish nga puro ra siya ug iyang unmet needs and unpampered ego among gi cater permi. If you know what I mean.
After an entire afternoon of snorkelling, we had dinner set up on a buri mat near the shore. Our talk mostly discussed on facts about marine animals and the reef life and global warming stuff and spearfishing until it came to a point where he asked me why I haven’t tried these activities before with my previous exes.
“So, muabot jud ning atong storya nga mag Boy Abunda ka?”, I tried to set a boundary to topics he can delve into but this guy’s persistent, too. We were having drinks on the sand by the beach while we were star gazing.
“Just curious,” he said flatly.
“What happened to 6-years?”, he coined this code name for my longest running relationship.
“The usual.” I said as I swallowed the chunk of pineapple down my throat.
“What’s in the usual?” he asked casually just like how I would be when digging for info. I don't want to look excited, but I will do a spotless poker face just for people to spill the beans.
“We grew apart, ” and just like that, memories flashed before my eyes- how it started , how it plateaued and then downhilled in lightning speed.
“Close na mo sa iyang parents? That must be devastating,” he said dryly.
“Ay hindi! Masaya nga ako! Hindi ako nangayayat sa ginawa niya kasi expected ko nga at di ko naman siya tinuring na para na ring kapatid. Charot!”
“Were you offered marriage?” he said flatly.
“Sort of.” I seem to recall only a few bits but couldn't really remember much.
“And?”
I answered him with silence.
“You declined,” he said guessing but it felt like he is about to blame me for what I did.
“I still have plans. I haven’t made myself yet, you know.”
“ I don’t see you working on it.”
“Hoy, hapit nako mu-graduate ba,” I said with pride.Mao jud nay gikabusyhan sa akong sweldo. “Then hoy, with NCLEX, I’m still saving for my exams pero naka start nakog apply sa NEAC. ‘Kala mo! Char.”
“Nganu sab kang wala nagmedicine?”
“I know I’ll be getting what I want if I put my head into it, but my only option involves getting a scholarship dayon basin ma assign ko to a battle-stricken area. And I hate asking funds from my parents. Plus , I hate big obligations and responsibilities. I’m big on guilt.”
“Ay nah! Natural ra man na.”
“I believe I’m giving the world a huge favor if I stay as a nurse, I kinda rock it” I smiled while he sported this shaded look.
“Hmmmm, convince me more. I know you have friends na nag Med na” he challenged.
“If I remain a nurse, there becomes a limit to what I can be. But then if magMed, I would always want to become more,” was the only comeback I could think of.
“If you are into limits, then in ato namo ka dugay, nganung naghuwat paman ka nga maka kita siyag laen? Nasakitan na hinuan ka.” He switched back to asking me napod.
“Thank you for that probing question, your honor. Nganung kani man jud atong storyaan? Balik tas trivial beh? ” I requested but he just took 5 more sips of his beer during a long period of silence. I discerned that he just can’t take ‘No’ for an answer.
“Can’t tell it to his face,” I continued. “ Palangga nako siya dayon kahibaw ko nga palangga sab ko nila. Pero sa ka dugay sa relasyon, murag nahimo nalang to as an example of what we call ‘overfamiliarity breeds contempt’ .”
More periods of silence lingered then his third bottle ensued.
“Rebound?” he laughed. Then he gestured for a toast.
“Mupadayon gyud ta ani?” I asked, as I hear our bottles clinked echoing with the waves crashing on the shore.
“By all means. Wa tay laing lingaw. But if you have other things in mind, I’m open." Him saying this reminds me the story of the Spider and the Fly- that one book I read in Grade 3 and I never knew it will haunt me forever. At this moment, he is the cunning spider, and I am bound to be that fly. So , I chose the high road and swerved the conversation back to the right track and answered him laughingly.
“Oh boy! That beer must be starting to kick in.” I dismissed that green monster and refused to fuel what he was insinuating.
So I let on, “ Naa jud tingali. Na guilty biya ko for him. But I guess I loved him, too, with all I got. It just wasn’t meant to be,” he laughed even more upon hearing this. It was one of those silly laughs that really came out of his heart along with the beer that squirted out of his nose. “Judgy kaau ka uie!”, I backlashed.
“The rebound after the rebound?” he said as if holding out another laugh that he was about to burst.
“I hate you”, was what I said while hitting him with my bottle. I never knew I would be able to tell anyone about this. Must be the drink blurring out lines that must not be crossed.
“Don’t we all go through that?" He sipped even more in between his lines. "Okay ra na uie” , and with a wicked smile he added, “para sa uban. Mga mahihinang nilalang!”, he blurted out while imitating an anime character. This reminds me of how much I had wasted my time helping to save lives, encouraging people to choose better health options when they go out of the hospital whereas I am here no longer putting more wood to fuel what ignites my spirit. I used to watch a lot of anime series and would g such lengths of impersonating them (without the cosplaying though) and I used to do a lot of other stuff , too. Looking at what comprises my daily routine now, it awfully looks boring and might become a living model of a hamster on a wheel. What choices have I been opting? What happened to the happy-me? Who stole my magic?
“Probably, pero ha, it was just a hit-or-miss kind of stuff!” was what I could muster.
“ I don’t get it.” He said with a confused look.
“Well, you know.” I said while waving my hand in the air as if trying to doodle what was going on with the rebound-after-the-rebound as if it will lead him to understand what I was trying to say.
“No way, you didn’t?!”, he said unbelievingly as he took his drink in one shot and opened another, with a wry smile painted on his lips.
“Apparently, I did. I did not know how horrible my life choices were back then."
"But you never saw him again?" he's so good with inquiring he could pass as a fact checker.
" I feel worse now," I admitted. "It was even funnier because there was this recent guy that I was dating with and we went to a bar,” I confessed. Nasugdan naman gyud ni , tapuson na lang jud nako. Nabasa naman lang gyud ko, maligo nalang gyud.
“And?” he led on.
“Recent-guy suddenly asked if I knew that someone on the bar counter because he was always looking in our direction,” I narrated.
“No, he didn’t ?”
“Yes, he did. I’m afraid he did.” I can see him holding out a laugh with his lips on the rim of the bottle.
“What’s worse was that when my friend had to go to the loo and I accompanied her. You know how we girls make bayanihan with pangihi and stuff. It’s a social activity for us.”
“Padayon. Padayon,” he led on.
“Aw di, naghuwat jud si Hit-or-miss sa gawas then gigunitan ko dayon nangutanag why I ignoring his chats and texts and why I have been dodging his calls.” He laughed like the devil.
“Wa naka mireply or mintubag sa b**ty calls niya so iya kang gipaningil?” He teased.
“Saba uie! Pataka lang gyud ka dihag conclude.” I stopped him with whatever he was going with the conversation.
Coffee
What I was asking from you is not just a cup of coffee, I’m asking you for a lifetime with me
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