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Chapter I
Pauses
Part I
I saw him a few years back — right here, in this exact spot.
I’d been running away from my friends’ booze party, halfway through what felt like my breakup with carbs — a desperate attempt not to drink away the faint trace of abs yoga had blessed me with.
“Won’t you be joining them?”
The voice came from nowhere — deep, gruff, self-assured, carrying the confidence of someone who didn’t mind being caught in the dark.
I froze, the water lapping at my knees, the night swallowing every sound except his.
“Oh, God! You almost gave me a heart attack! What are you doing out here in the dark?”
My voice came out sharper than I intended, half-defensive, half-startled.
The moonlight revealed a faint outline — tall, steady, calm.
“Same reason as you,” he said. “Why are you hiding?”
He didn’t move closer, just floated there like he belonged to the sea.
His tone wasn’t probing — just curious, like he’d already guessed my answer.
“Nah. Nothing annoys me more than frequent urination.”
I tried to sound casual, flippant even.
That was me — sarcasm first, honesty second.
He chuckled softly, the sound blending with the waves.
“Hmm… so are you peeing now?” he teased.
I turned slightly, pretending to ignore the warmth creeping up my neck.
Somehow, his teasing didn’t feel invasive — just oddly familiar.
“Barely,” I chuckled.
The water shimmered faintly between us. My laughter felt lighter than it had in weeks.
“So, you don’t drink?”
His tone had softened — less teasing now, more curious.
“That depends. Just not today — I don’t really trust the people I’m with.”
I leaned back, letting the gentle current cradle me.
The truth slipped out easier than I thought it would.
“You?” I asked.
“Occasionally.”
He said it like an admission, not a boast.
“Hmmm. That means every day.”
I grinned, catching his smirk through the dim light.
He laughed — that low, easy kind of laugh that lingers even after it fades.
“Then why are you here with them?”
“Keep it down,” he said quietly. “I don’t want them to know I’m here.”
His tone shifted — calm but deliberate.
It wasn’t a request; it was something closer to trust.
“Kanang imong mga kuyog — they’re here most Fridays,” he said, almost casually.
“Well, that’s news,” I replied, forcing nonchalance.
But inside, something stirred — curiosity, interest, maybe danger.
I knew if I kept talking, I’d be stepping into something I couldn’t easily walk out of.
“You a nurse, too?” he asked, inching closer.
His face leaned into the thin sliver of moonlight, enough for me to see a half-smile forming.
My pulse quickened. I wasn’t used to this kind of proximity.
“Why?” I said flatly.
The water was warm, steadying my nerves, washing away the fatigue from the week.
I didn’t want to talk about work — not tonight, not with a stranger who made the dark feel less lonely.
Silence settled between us — comfortable, not awkward.
It was the kind of pause that asked for nothing and gave you space to breathe.
“You need help?” I asked finally, breaking the quiet, guilt brushing the edges of my words.
“Nope,” he said lightly.
He sounded sure, the kind of sure that makes you question your own calm.
“You a nurse too?” I tried again.
“Dili.”
Short, simple, amused.
“Banker?”
He shook his head, droplets scattering like tiny diamonds in the moonlight.
“Teacher?”
“Nope.”
I grinned, testing him now. “Something computer-related?”
He puffed water from his mouth, laughing softly as if I’d said something ridiculous.
That laugh — it echoed, easy and genuine, cutting through the salt and silence of the night.
And just like that, I stopped caring about who he was.
I just knew I didn’t want the conversation — or that strange, weightless moment — to end.
Chapter II
Apoptosis
A part of us dies a little each day and that is called APOPTOSIS.
It's normal and natural and we all have to live with it. This is what I was experiencing figuratively and literally.
I try to live as normally as I can each day, but every breath feels like I am underwater- I breath but nothing just reaches my lungs, I eat but everything tastes the same , I sleep and I still feel unrested upon awakening- nothing there can suffice the thirst of a soul.
The several months thereafter that I was referring to passed by like a newly hatched turtle scrambling itself towards the sea. I wanted it to pass by quickly, but I can do nothing except to wait for it to happen.
I was waiting in agony.
I never received any text or call from that man on the beach for that matter and believe me, I was hoping to get one because I needed someone to talk to- that badly. He was someone I am comfortable of talking with, someone who can offer me something that I do not already know.
The several months took off and did me a lot of realizations and crazy routines in my journey to healing and ,boy, was I ever glad that I went through it alone and never had anyone to use as a rebound.
2014 was a turning point for me, I guess. Among the most prominent reflections that I had was that my previous relationships all went in shambles.
It must be that my brother had several encounters that also went in bonkers because he was being an a** and now I am reaping the fruits of his labor aka KARMA with an A but I refused the thought and shoved it under the carpet.
There must be a good reason that it did not work out and dili na tungod sa gibuhat ni kinsang Poncio Pilatuha. Maybe God really has seen things and overheard conversations that I did not, so He also made a move that I also couldn’t make. The breakups were meant to happen, and these events keep on repeating because I refuse to learn a lesson. Ug unsa pod to na lesson, I wasn’t able to figure it out just yet.
So much for planning to have your first love to also be your last. Naa ra gyud siguro’y mga tawo nga swerti kaau, magkita na dayon silas para sa ilaha. Kanang dili sila masayop sa una nilang mauyab and sadly, I wasn’t one of them.
May man na ug sakit kay if naay signs and symptoms, ipa-laboratory or unsa pa nga confirmatory test, e diagnose na ni Doc, if musanong sa tambal, aw mao na gyud to. There wasn’t even like a birthmark of a code on their body parts saying that he was really for you so it would be easier for us to distinguish one from the other.
Three weeks after my most recent breakup and 2 weeks after seeing that guy sa beach, Xysa, my cousin and workmate, has observed that even if I ate the same amount of food every day and we ate together, though I snacked a lot more, I have been drastically losing weight.
I also have been sleeping a lot along with her as in pareha ra mig routine so it also bothered me now that there was also a validation that whatever I was in, the breakup really hit me hard.
If I was losing myself to mild depression, I don’t know but one thing is for sure, I am bigger than this and I’m not giving up my goddamn self to this.
Basin in denial lang gyud ko nga na sad ko over the breakup and my body is taking the toll. So, I tried making a post-breakup routine to take a hold of my sanity and my mental health kay maybe I was holding back a lot kay uwaw pod daghan makabalo nga in despair ka or something. So, the routine involves a certain oras nga magdrama ko even if I don’t feel like crying. This war with myself starts with me waking up at 6 AM to start my daily routine, which is as follows:
6:30 -Meditate then Practice Yoga
7:00 - Wash clothes
7:30- Jog-Run-Sprint-Walk
8:30AM- Breakfast sa Robinson’s (dili ni Mall, promise)
9:00- e-Admire ang Abs (Narcissist lang ang peg)
9:02- maghilak after movie clip-watching katong part ni Bea sa FourSisters and a Wedding
10:00 - matulog na kay kapoy nag hilak
2:00- wash then Prep up for Work
2:30- Work
12:30AM- Kaon Sundae (basta katong tag 10 nga nahimong tag 12 and ambot tagpila na na karon ) and/or Fries sa Jolibbee
1:00AM- Go home magsakay ug Sikad kay fresh air, den dili alingasa
1:30AM- Wash then Rest/Sleep
It took me 3-4 weeks before ning give up sa hilak2 part kay I also have observed that I already maintained a healthy weight and I found it stupid kay memorized na nako kaayo ning part ni Inday Bea sa confrontation with their Mom which was my go-to movie scene to help me start crying. I was in bonkers, I can tell you that. I knew it was time to move on and live a more normal life that needed no absurd routines.
I focused more on yoga and my Youtube Channel.
But just like any other plots in a movie, when we start giving up and magpuyo nga malinawon, someone throws a stone in the water just to create ripples.
"How is it going?". I received this text message at 9PM while I was at work and with the severity of the situation that I and my student was in, I wanted to call back, whoever this unknown sender is and just share how shitty my day went.
I was also thinking that it could be one of my superiors and they may have heard along the grapevine that my student dropped an ampule on the floor thus breaking a three-thousand worth of medicine, which we cannot find in the hospital's pharmacy. So, I messaged back that unknown texter that all drugstores nearby are either already closed or that they don't have such medicine. The worst thing was that I am never the type who brings a lot of money to work just because I have no plans of needing it while at work. Of all the days, why should this happen on a Friday? Supposedly, my shift would end smoothly, and it would be a Fly day, right? It came out to be the worst shift ever.
"Send me the brand name and I'll try to look around" was the message I received.
"Ikaw ni friend, or kaw ni ying or ikaw ni Ma'am Cot? Salamat kaayo daan. Pay ko ugma dayon, pramis!", was my grateful message. I felt relieved after solving my dilemma and that the physician’s trash talk would no longer be replaying in my head as I have found the best solution.
“Found it. Be there in 5”. This was the promising message I happened to read through the notifications and it made my heart leap. I have this compulsion to keep everything working smoothly, and to make everything right kay di ko ganahan ma- tainted ang reputation sa among school.
I was impatiently pacing back and forth at the main gate near the highway, waiting for the medicine. Minutes passed and as I was starting to doubt if I was being scammed or toyed with when an SUV parked in front of me.
I have no friends who bring their SUVs around Ozamiz at this hour- Magpedicab ra gyud usually. Gaduda ko ug kinsa man gani maghatod ug tambal kay the only ones who witnessed the incident was just me, my student, the physician and the staff. Maybe this wasn’t my ‘text mate’. Nagduda pod ko kay wala kaayo koy friend nga inglesero/a sa text.
So, I stepped back a little, basin kawaton ko and ibaligya akong organs kay that was one of the hot topics sa radio news these days.
When a familiar figure stepped out and handed me a paper bag, a familiar rhythm found its way to my chest.
“You owe me coffee!”, he said cheerfully and looks as if he felt like a hero saving me from this disaster.
“Hoy! Hala! Kalaen. Was that you or somebody told you?”, ako gyud siyang gihapak sa bukton… It was about 14 months and I knew he has been keeping shape since we met.
There was a minute or two of awkward silence just looking at each other. I had a lot in my mind, and I don’t know what to ask first? I had so much to ask, I had so much to tell him.
“Uy, kanang, salamat kaayo. Unsaon man nako ni ha. Starting meds ni niya and karon na gyud ihatag. And naa koy students inside. I can’t leave them unless naa na sila atubangan sa ilang house nya gihatod sa bus unyang alas onse. Pwede rag ugma ang coffee? Work calls. Balik sa ko sa sulod.” I was so lost for a more decent thing to say and I did not make a gap for him to answer or to squeeze in.
“Okay. Pack for 3 days. I’ll meet you in Burgos later at 1,” was all he said.
“Ha? Unsa'y at 1? I’m not going with anyone anywhere uie? Least of all, 3 days jud? Bayaran lang tika beh,” I reasoned.
“Not necessary. I just have to be somewhere. Kuyugi lang gud ko. It’s the least that you could do to repay me,” he pleaded.
“Hoy ha, that is way too much. I don’t even know your name dayon magkuyog ta for 3 days,” I said.
“We’ll get to know each other on the way,” he said while looking into my eyes.
“Are you sure about this?”, I said questioningly.
“You should be asking yourself that,” he said with his wry smile as he hoped back into his black SUV and drove off until only tiny dots of his taillights are the only ones left to be seen.
Oh boy! Did that just happen?!
How did I let this happen? Why did I allow him to control this conversation and its outcome? I shove off all these thoughts upon entering the ER. Kinahanglan mag zone jud ta pagsulod kay there are no longer any room for errors here.
After 3 gunshot wounds, 4 OB and 9 medical admissions thereafter, our shift finally ended.
While the bus was dropping each of the students to their doorsteps, I can’t help but think of what I am about to enter. His was a world I knew nothing of and I have a feeling he is well-acquainted with this game.
Trust me on this- anything involving travel excites me but this offer, by far , has been sending shivers down my spine - even just a mere thought of it.
How did he know I was still living in a dormitory?
What will we be doing in those 3 days?
Do we split bills? Do I have enough funds for that?
Where were we heading?
What could be his intention of looking for me all this time?
Was he bored? Am I bored?
But most of all, why me?
My spidey senses are telling me something is wrong somewhere, but I shoved every thought down the sink and flushed my fears with a bucket load of water.
I have figured out this game a million times before.
We only die once... and we live each day of our lives on a rat race in a running wheel going nowhere but here.
What do I have to lose if I embark on this adventure?
Well, probably everything -reputation, life, kidney haha, work.
Why do I trust this guy enough to go with him in the middle of the night then for a 3-night getaway?
Has my mind been clouded lately?
Had I been lonely?
Was I that desperate for a man?
Was I longing for attention?
Maybe, it is the thrill of an unknown adventure.
If it is true that curiosity killed the cat, this cat has 9 lives and only 4 has been wasted. I still have 5 more to spare.
I told the guard beforehand that I will just be in and out in 30 minutes when I clocked in at around 12 and I’ll be out of our dormitory for 3 days. Yes, at 26 years old, I still live in a dormitory. I hurriedly took a shower and rechecked my Gala Bag (that’s what I call my pre-packed bag for ‘emergency’ travels) but this is not the kind of emergency travel that I have planned for. This bag was intended for my unplanned travels with Yuan, Iben, Ernie and Madonna.
As I passed by the grotto of Our Lady of Miraculous Medal, I silently whispered for her to help me with my decision tonight and for the nights to come.
As I was signing the logbook handed to me by the guard, it feels as if I have waived for my security and my entire life as he closed the gate on my face.
The black SUV was there and to this point, there is no way that I am chickening out. He got out of the car , walked across the road, signaled to the guard and helped me with my bags.
“You okay?”, he asked in a concerned way. It was more of an open, casual, non- judgy way of asking.
“I guess. Why’d you ask?”
“Kuan, mmmmm, ngaon sa ta”, he offered.
“Tala! I’m starving.”
As he drove off to a seafood/ Mexican restaurant, boy, I was so glad. Nothing satisfies a hungry stomach than unlimited rice and magkinamot nga magkaon.
He motioned me to a corner table near the band playing acoustic songs. We sang to most of the songs and talked about albums of artists and stuff but for most of the time when the food arrived, we didn’t talk that much.
I wanted to savor my food as if like cattle prepared for slaughter or that I was so super hungry, I had no time to spare for socialization. It was about 3AM when the resto was about to close and he decided we had to go.
“Where are we going?” I asked impatiently as we drove back to the highway.
“Have you slept in an airport before?”
“A couple of times or so adtong nagskwela ko, why?” I didn’t get a reply. He was more focused on the road.
“Matog tas airport? 9 AM pa tawon ilang first flight uie.” Still he did not say a word. He didn’t even look at me.Gapakuyog ra ni siya sa airport unya ngano man nga padad on kog gamit nga pang tulo ka adlaw? We made a hard left before reaching the airport to enter the subdivision. Meged, taga Ozamiz sab ni siya?
“Naog sa ta.” A lot of things are running in my mind. Nagpack kog good for 3 days nga silingan man diay ra mi? Mag unsa man mi diri, magbalay-balay? Such a letdown. This was not the kind of adventure that I wanted to have. Pfffffft.
“You want coffee or you’d prefer nga matog sa kadali?”
“Second option and I’ll spend it here on your couch, okay ra?”
“I have a spare room for guests,” he offered.
“Nope. I’m good.”
“Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure. Pukawa lang ko before ta manlakaw.”
“Okay, matog sa ko kadiyot then pukawon nako si Lola at 6AM.” This even gets more interesting kay the Lola is included in the picture. Unsa man ni akong gisudlan uie. Mukatawa ba kos akong nasudlan or unsa. Iya gyud yata ning balay kay manly man keo ang mga butang. The thought of me being with his Lola later kept me awake. I never even knew this guy. Alangan pod nuh ug mangukay kos iyang mga drawers para mapangita iyang name. Wa say mga bills nga gi-magnet sa ref. Life sucks. I’m stupid and dumb for going with this person. I prepared my coffee and watched the bubbles whirl around my cup until it became cold and stale.
“ ‘la, si Alel, kuyog nato padung Cebu unya.” Ming bless ra ko niya.
“ Hi ‘la, good morning. Sayo na nuan kaau ka nimata.”
“Lageh, we have to be at the airport early on. I can't be out there running late. As if I could still run, nuh?” That left me laughing. It's gonna be an enjoyable flight. We talked a lot during the 2-minute drive to the airport. I sent him a message while his lola was busy talking about him and why they had to fly to Mandaue right away. Magpailis diay daw siyag battery sa pacemaker dayon makipuyo sa siya sa iyang anak didto and other chika. Makalingaw biya pod siya.
‘Akong ticket?” was the message I sent him.
‘Got that covered.’ I didn’t know how he did it but he did ask for my ID and I boarded the flight with them and it was never boring because daghan kaayong balon nga tabi iyang Lola- from how she met Izhar’s lolo to how they ended up being in Ozamiz. Yes, I finally knew his name and he slept the entire flight. Gi-hire guro ko ani niya nga mag private nurse sa iyang Lola pero sige ra kay lingaw kaau si Lola. Gikilig while nagnarrate sa ilang mga kaagi. It was full of surprises. What is even more surprising is that when we arrived sa Mactan Airport, murag ilang tibook clan mintagbo. My mind was running a thousand fs of how I was going to spend three days on a reunion with people I barely know. What have I gotten myself into?!
Murag lami kaau magtabon ug habol and malanay nalang then mu evaporate. Unsa man ni akong gisudlan uie.
Kung akoy relative, seeing him and his Lola para magpa check-up with a new woman nga wa pa nila kaila months after sa breakup sa iyang ex, makahuna huna jud nga ‘here comes the rebound’.
Gusto ko mag sash ug ‘minkuyog ra ko niya kay ingon siya mulaag mi’. This is the most awkward I have been to. Gamay kayo akong utok jud ai.
‘Lel, akong family.” Yutaaaaaaa, lamuna nalang ko.
‘’’My, si Alel,” he motioned to his Mom.
“Hi, Tita!”, I smiled. Humot kaayo iyang mama pagbeso namo. Gosh, naulaw ko kay wa koy ligo.
“Dy,” he said while minbless siyas iyang papa. His dad looked at me with a comprehensive look.
“Hi, Tito. Maayong adlaw”. Ga- panic kog slight. Tando tando ra iyang gesture.
“My cousins”. There was a chorus of ‘hi ate’ and I was pleased that they were all super friendly.
“Ya, kuyuga mi sa Iloilo ya,” one of his cousins requested.
“Pagpuyo. Kamo say bantay ni Lola. Manglaag ra ta inig uli namo.” That namo thing made me feel like a I am part of something but not really.
“Naa nas Te Jezel nimo ug si Uncle Romie sa hospital. I think we should go kay ganiha ra sila naghuwat,” her mom said to him.
“ Alel, it was nice meeting you. He said you still have important business to do before your flight so I guess I won’t invite you to go with us sa hospital. Amping mo, okay?”
“Sige, Tita.Thank you,” I said as they all hurried back to their van. His Lola also has thanked me for being entertaining daw during the flight and while nagbeso beso mi , she has invited me to visit her right after our trip because she is going to teach me her ultimate recipes. I looked at him while he was watching them disappear through the curve.
“That went well, don’t you think?”, he said to me.
“I think so” I walked ahead of him, “. I’m starving,” and entered the pizza house in the airport.
I slept at the airport while waiting for our flight at 8PM, even snored maybe during the entire flight and was still groggy while going to the hotel in Iloilo. He still did not tell me the exact itinerary of our trip and the whys and hows but I had this idea that he wouldn’t dare do anything illegal like sell me or something since I have seen his entire family already. I did not even care that we only had a king-sized bed and after my bath, I went back to sleep on the bed on a hungry stomach while he was out looking for dinner.
I was awakened by my grumbling tummy at 3 AM and he was there reheating my could-have-been dinner.
“Didn’t bother to wake you up kay gahagok ka, asta imong lubot,” he teased.
“Traydor! Kapoy ko ba. Gutom pa jud. Gikabuhi pajud kos biyahe, you know!”, he had this smile painted on his lips while I ate in silence as he watched the local news.
“ Wa ka natulog?”, I asked.
“ I did. Pero gigutom kog balik.”
We talked about politics and the weather, then I forgot what else we talked about kay I remembered na nagtando tando nalang ko, tig repeat sa iyang gistorya then nakatulog nakog balik.
We had an early call at around 5AM then I went back to sleep while on a van. Kami ra duha so I had the entire row for myself. Then, I was awakened by the realization that our van has made a stop. When I opened my eyes, I saw the driver paying for gas and I wasn’t able to find him. The driver, being perceptive enough told me, “ Nag-grocery po siya , Maam,” he said pointing at the mini stop. “Okay, kuya. Thank you po.” I went out of the van and went back to the driver to ask him, “Kuya, ano nga po palang pangalan niyo?” “Manny, Maam, Manny”, he said.
“Pacquiao? Charot. Joke lang kuya.”
Before I could reach the store, he got out and asked me, “Do you need anything?”
“Chocolate ra ug paras lamok.”
“I have those here na. Pero wala kay particular klase nga ganahan?”
“You mean brand? Bisan unsa ra uie basta dili expired.” I told him off. He smiled.
" Can you please tell me where we are heading?" I asked.
"You'll see," he said teasingly.
The rest of the ride was spent eating and even Manong Manny was mum about where he was taking us. I never really read about Iloilo before. I was more of a Batanes-Coron-Tawi-Tawi type of person.
We traveled for another 30 minutes which seemed like hours then Manong Manny finally announced, "Maam, Sir, welcome to Bancal Port, you're gateway to Isla de Gigantes.
He looked at me and demanded. "I want my coffee early at sunrise tomorrow".
I turned to him, and his face was half- expecting a reaction from me- I cried in excitement and hugged him. It was as if my soul knew him before and his knew mine.
Chapter II
Limits
Scott once said, “There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.” This Scott guy may be right.
——————-
Bancal Port, Iloilo
“Ingon ka 3 days?” 😒 I blurted out at him. He has these open-ended lines that warrant more possibilities that you could imagine. You may sometimes think you are right about how you understand what he said but there is still an ellipsis to it.
“Magdala palang kag maleta, maka ingon silang mommy magtaban na ta" he smirked while unloading our bags.
“Buang.” Akong gihapak iyang biceps. Nindot man bunalan.
I had a truckload of imaginings and the possibilities of what I am going to do there are endless so I turned to him and said, “Are you sh**ting me? Mahurot kaha nakog enjoy ni in a day?” 🤦🏽♀️ I can imagine myself like a toddler being taken to a carnival.
“Ingon ko magdala ug clothes enough for 3 days. Wa ko nag ingon nga 3 days rata.”😏he reasoned. He never runs out of ways to outwit me in every possible situation with his reasoning. I rolled my eyes at him. Makalagot. He’s clever and he knows it.
“Dagat paman gud na imong gitan aw oh!”😩he lip points to the glittering sea and while he is doing this , I was starting to feel my knees melting but I refused to be the weaker part of this non-verbal conversation and looked towards a different direction while answering, “Exactly, my point. Dagat! And how do you suppose I work out my leave of absence from work?”
“Medical certificate, " he blurted out, in a matter-of-factly way.
“Bad kaau ka,” was my reply but at the back of my head, Ma'am Vercel's and Ma'am Meg's voices are echoing - that if you do not do your job with utmost respect and honesty , 'your sins will find you'. This is why I do not always swallow the magical stone from the first banana blossom during full moon and just guess the V/S of my patients using my so-called 'clinical eye'. I almost always do things by the book and I hate it.
“I know,” he said as he hopped onto the boat with my bag. He didn't look my way as if he knows that if I hint just a bit of hesitation on his part too, I would surely turn my back and hop back to the van.
“Can’t betray my school , or my work or my students.” I wasn't really playing hard-to-get, I was taking my moment and calculating the risks and how to pull this off without sacrificing anything or anyone.
“It’s either them or this,” he declared. If what he meant by ‘this’ is the boat which will take me to Isla de Gigantes with him in it, then you would know to which side this argument is leaning towards. And this boat with my bag on it is about to be chosen. “Pili lang,” he said in an unflinching manner.
I know it’s too late to go back so I made my way to my seat on the boat. Naka-invest nakog kinakusgang kabuhi sa byahe and I am still nauseous, by the way, and is about to be more sea sick after the boat ride. I hope someone will take over my duty schedule next week. What excuse shall I tell Ernie para siya mu duty for me kay clear iyang schedule for next week. Life sucks and I suck at telling lies to my friend.
“I don’t wanna regret this,” I said to him, and he smiled tauntingly. Apparently, it seems as if I am telling this more to myself than I am telling it to him.
“Ikaw gud!” He said this in his bland tone making it seem like he made me do the decision without his influence. " You could always ask your friend, Ernie , to cover for you." he asked.
"Uie, how did you-?" Needless to say, Ernie and I are all over Facebook, too.
I enjoyed the hour-and-a-half ride sa outrigger boat in silence kay saba kaau ang engine. If we talk, kailangan pa mi maghung-hungay so I settled with savouring the scent of the salty mist. I chose well and my decision was right. Salamat ni Lord and ni Our Lady of Miraculous Medal.
When we arrived at Gigantes Norte, we headed to our off-the-grid Gigantes Hideaway Resort. We had coffee as our welcome drink served under the shade of a Talisay tree.
While having lunch nga rice, scallops , tinola and sinugba, I couldn’t help but askhim this question that I have been itching to ask, “How did you find me?”
“Wasn’t exactly looking for you.”
“Mmmmm?”. I replied with an unconvinced expression.
“Well, you texted me first.”
“Me? Pagsure uie! Kanus- a man?”
“Mga 3 weeks ago.”
“Can’t remember a time that I ‘researched’ about you tawon nuh. So busy with my work and life pod, wa koy time magstalk nimo. Abeh palang maot ta , maglanat. Di sab ka in ana ka gwapo.”
“Hoy! Kadaghan ba sa nastorya uie. Chill”, he said to me while he was at war with the squid. Naitom iyang ngipon feeling nako naka balos ko pinaagi sa squid. Ano ka ngayon, ha?! Itom keo kag ngipon.
“Nagrefer kag patient, pero imong student nagdala sa chart,” he said.
“Weeeh. You’re kidding right?”
“No! Naa jud kay message diri uie.. Sweet kaau nimo pagka- refer ang patient. Kulang lang ang data.”
“Nagrefer? Seriously, I feel so incompetent, unsa may kulang ana? Let me read.”
I read through the text and laughed at myself. He was right.
“Mao diay imo nalang gipakuha ang chart,” I said with a depressed look. “I feel like gi-betray nako akong alma mater.”
“Grabeh uie. It’s just a small thing. There were those who did worse than that,” he said reassuringly. Pero bully kaau siyag nawong.
“You were just saying that to make me feel better,” I replied. I reviewed the incident in my head and I was almost surprised nga nagkulang pa jud ko. It's water under the bridge though so I virtually erased the thought in my mind.
“Gamay ra kaau na uie. I got the whole picture man sab. Ako lang gyud gi review iyang history, in case I missed something. Kit an jud tika pag adto nakos ward. Maldita kaau ka, nagtighawak , nagsugo sugo sa students,” he parodied like I'm a 'Donya nga nanugo sa mga saop'. Hahaha
“Hoy wala tawon uie. Taka man ka. Di kaha ko in ana. Pero Di ko ka move on nga incomplete akong gisend.. Ah Daaah, na discharge bya pod to siya pagka week after that,” I said, dismissing the sob story.
“Exactly,” he said as he gestured towards the sea.
“So, you mean you are ‘the’ I. F.?” I said, exaggerating the quote hand-gesture.
“What do you mean by “the I. F.?”
“Kana bang isuwat sa door sa patient?”, I said to his clueless face.
“Hahay.. Never mind.” I told him with a dismayed look. ‘Brayt Lageh unta menos sab ug pick up,’ I thought to myself but actually thought out loud.
“Our boat is here. Let’s go snorkelling for today,” he declared.
Patay.
Number 1: di ko kahibaw magsnorkel.
Number 2 : wa koy muscle memory to breath through my mouth and not through my nose
Number 3 : ten seconds ra gyud akong breath hold just in case pugson ko niya nga mag dive. Pero of course, kaladkarin tayo uie, so yes to all.
Kay if there ever was one thing that I learned in college , it was that when you are offered a job but you don’t know how to do it, say Yes to the opportunity and learn the skill on the way.. Like when you are asked to jump off a building, you do the leap and develop wings on the way down.
“You are from Siquijor , so sige mog snorkel?”
“Purdoy uie.Wa koy gear plus akong mama magsige syagit nga lawm na daw kaau mi maski taga hawak ra ang dagat”, I laughed out crazily.
“I get the point.Lucky for you, I brought you fins and mask. I hope it fits,” he said expectingly.
“Should I be concerned nga you know a lot about me and I knew nothing of you? Di man sab ka serial killer or unsa ba kaha nuh?”, he laughed while I was saying this.
“You are all over Facebook. It isn’t difficult to find out anything about you.”
“I am not all over Facebook,” I said unbelievingly.
“Yes, you are and don’t argue so we can proceed with relearning the basics.”
Nganu man gyud ni siya nga mag therapeutic uie. Relearning jud ang term nga wa gani ta ka in ana sukad. Gitarong jud ni siyag pa dako sa iyang mama ug ni tarong pod siyag dako himself. Pero bully gihapon while gatudlo siya nako.
If I were to choose a man, I would choose one not only with whom I can learn something from about things and skills and stuff but also with whom I can explore things about myself. Kanang Dili selfish nga puro ra siya ug iyang unmet needs and unpampered ego among gi cater permi. If you know what I mean.
After an entire afternoon of snorkelling, we had dinner set up on a buri mat near the shore. Our talk mostly discussed on facts about marine animals and the reef life and global warming stuff and spearfishing until it came to a point where he asked me why I haven’t tried these activities before with my previous exes.
“So, muabot jud ning atong storya nga mag Boy Abunda ka?”, I tried to set a boundary to topics he can delve into but this guy’s persistent, too. We were having drinks on the sand by the beach while we were star gazing.
“Just curious,” he said flatly.
“What happened to 6-years?”, he coined this code name for my longest running relationship.
“The usual.” I said as I swallowed the chunk of pineapple down my throat.
“What’s in the usual?” he asked casually just like how I would be when digging for info. I don't want to look excited, but I will do a spotless poker face just for people to spill the beans.
“We grew apart, ” and just like that, memories flashed before my eyes- how it started , how it plateaued and then downhilled in lightning speed.
“Close na mo sa iyang parents? That must be devastating,” he said dryly.
“Ay hindi! Masaya nga ako! Hindi ako nangayayat sa ginawa niya kasi expected ko nga at di ko naman siya tinuring na para na ring kapatid. Charot!”
“Were you offered marriage?” he said flatly.
“Sort of.” I seem to recall only a few bits but couldn't really remember much.
“And?”
I answered him with silence and a huge sigh.
“You declined,” he said guessing but it felt like he is about to blame me for what I did.
“I still have plans. I haven’t made myself yet, you know.”
“ I don’t see you working on it.”
“Hoy, hapit nako mu-graduate ba,” I said with pride.Mao jud nay gikabusyhan sa akong sweldo. “Then hoy, with NCLEX, I’m still saving for my exams pero naka start nakog apply sa NEAC. ‘Kala mo! Char.”
“Nganu sab kang wala nagmedicine?”
“I know I’ll be getting what I want if I put my head into it, but my only option involves getting a scholarship dayon basin ma assign ko to a battle-stricken area. And I hate asking funds from my parents. Plus , I hate big obligations and responsibilities. I’m big on guilt.”
“Ay nah! Natural ra man na.”
“I believe I’m giving the world a huge favor if I stay as a nurse, I kinda rock it” I smiled while he sported this shaded look.
“Hmmmm, convince me more. I know you have friends na nag Med na” he challenged.
“If I remain a nurse, there becomes a limit to what I can be. But then if magMed, I would always want to become more,” was the only comeback I could think of.
“If you are into limits, then in ato namo ka dugay, nganung naghuwat paman ka nga maka kita siyag laen? Nasakitan na hinuan ka.” He switched back to asking me napod.
“Thank you for that probing question, your honor. Nganung kani man jud atong storyaan? Balik tas trivial beh? ” I requested but he just took 5 more sips of his beer during a long period of silence. I discerned that he just can’t take ‘No’ for an answer.
“Can’t tell it to his face,” I continued. “ Palangga nako siya dayon kahibaw ko nga palangga sab ko nila. Pero sa ka dugay sa relasyon, murag nahimo nalang to as an example of what we call ‘overfamiliarity breeds contempt’ .”
More periods of silence lingered, then, his third bottle ensued.
“Rebound?” he laughed. Then he gestured for a toast.
“Mupadayon gyud ta ani?” I asked, as I hear our bottles clinked echoing with the waves crashing on the shore.
“By all means. Wa tay laing lingaw. But if you have other things in mind, I’m open." Him saying this reminds me the story of the Spider and the Fly- that one book I read in Grade 3 and I never knew it will haunt me forever. At this moment, he is the cunning spider, and I am bound to be that fly. So , I chose the high road and swerved the conversation back to the right track and answered him laughingly.
“Oh boy! That beer must be starting to kick in.” I dismissed that green monster and refused to fuel what he was insinuating.
So I let on, “ Naa jud tingali. Na-guilty biya ko for him. But I guess I loved him, too, with all I got. It just wasn’t meant to be,” he laughed even more upon hearing this. It was one of those silly laughs that really came out of his heart along with the beer that squirted out of his nose. “Judgy kaau ka uie!”, I backlashed.
“The rebound after the rebound?” he said as if holding out another laugh that he was about to burst.
“I hate you”, was what I said while hitting him with my bottle. I never knew I would be able to tell anyone about this. Must be the drink blurring out lines that must not be crossed.
“Don’t we all go through that?" He sipped even more in between his lines. "Okay ra na uie” , and with a wicked smile he added, “para sa uban. Mga mahihinang nilalang!”, he blurted out while imitating an anime character. This reminds me of how much I had wasted my time helping to save lives, encouraging people to choose better health options when they go out of the hospital whereas I am here no longer putting more wood to fuel what ignites my spirit. I used to watch a lot of anime series and would g such lengths of impersonating them (without the cosplaying though) and I used to do a lot of other stuff , too. Looking at what comprises my daily routine now, it awfully looks boring and might become a living model of a hamster on a wheel. What choices have I been opting? What happened to the happy-me? Who stole my magic?
“Probably, pero ha, it was just a hit-or-miss kind of stuff!” was what I could muster.
“ I don’t get it.” He said with a confused look.
“Well, you know.” I said while waving my hand in the air as if trying to doodle what was going on with the rebound-after-the-rebound as if it will lead him to understand what I was trying to say.
“No way, you didn’t?!”, he said unbelievingly as he took his drink in one shot and opened another, with a wry smile painted on his lips.
“Apparently, I did. I did not know how horrible my life choices were back then."
"But you never saw him again?" he's so good with inquiring he could pass as a fact checker.
" I feel worse now," I admitted. "It was even funnier because there was this recent guy that I was dating with and we went to a bar,” I confessed. Nasugdan naman gyud ni , tapuson na lang jud nako. Nabasa naman lang gyud ko, maligo nalang gyud.
“And?” he led on.
“Recent-guy suddenly asked if I knew that someone on the bar counter because he was always looking in our direction,” I narrated.
“No, he didn’t ?”
“Yes, he did. I’m afraid he did.” I can see him holding out a laugh with his lips on the rim of the bottle.
“What’s worse was that when my friend had to go to the loo and I accompanied her. You know how we girls make bayanihan with pangihi and stuff. It’s a social activity for us.”
“Padayon. Padayon,” he led on.
“Aw di, naghuwat jud si Hit-or-miss sa gawas then gigunitan ko dayon nangutanag why I was ignoring his chats and texts and why I have been dodging his calls.” He laughed like the devil.
“Wa naka mireply or mintubag sa b**ty calls niya so iya kang gipaningil?” He teased.
“Saba uie! Pataka lang gyud ka dihag conclude.” I stopped him with whatever he was going with the conversation.
So, tell me, among all of those whom you dated, who'd you want to get back with the most?"
I thought hard. Never did it occur to me to consider getting back together with anyone. They had their chances; I had given everything much thought and consideration. People who overthink will have exhausted all possibilities to make it work and if it does not, there was almost always no way of salvaging what was left of it.
I don't know. I couldn't think about anyone at all.
Think hard. We've got all night and a rummaging storm that wont let us sleep.
Oh, I know what's hard 'cause I felt something funny. Must be your bon**, I said it matter-of-factly.
Oh, sorry. It's freezing.
I understand. Let's just put a pillow fort for our peace of mind."
Sige na, you tell me.
Why is it always about me? You never share anything about you.
Just 'cause. I like the sound of your voice when you talk.
So, mura kog radyo?
Be serious.You're more than that. Sige na." He brought me closer to him as his arms drew me tighter to his chest. I don't even know why I am allowing him to do so, it feels warm and good. His body's natural musk was intoxicating.
Okay. There was this, I don't know what it was , but he saved me from myself. He might not know this but he took me from the darkest depths and made me rethink what I have been doing with my life then. I was lost, then, and he found me.
"So, what happened?" His heavy leg on my tummy felt like a log that will not let me be anywhere but here.
It was complicated."
As all relationships are. How did it become complicated?"
Distance." He leaned closer and I could feel his breath on my cheeks. I laid on my back and watched the play of lightning flashes at the ceiling.
"It ended even before it started. It was one of those where he was busy, I was busy, I was young and he was, too, back then. We never met and he was hellbent not to go back to the country and going after him was a shoot for the moon. I did try to learn German and French just so I wouldn't be a burden for him when I'm already there but it also felt like he wasn't that into it and I don't want to force things anymore. He was building a life for himself as I with mine."
If you'd meet him again, will you give it a try?
No. " I blurted out- in a heartbeat.
No? " he wasn't that convinced. I know what you are thinking, too. It would be a good plot for a good romantic story but I have seen these plots a thousand times. It's a different world out there. My mom says it's all work and no play. My Tita's hands were wrinkly and she tells of stories of hardships that I may not be ready for.
Yeah. It didn't work out back then, why would it work out now?"
Why not?" he snuck closer and his lips were almost kissing my neck. His breath was sending shivers down my spine.
"I don't know. It feels like he has other women and I don't want to be part of that list. A friend said he already has a fiancée and that they'd been together for a long time now. I don't want to compete with that. I want someone who wants me more than I want him. It's easier that way.
So, you want easy?" He was alcohol drowsy and I was melatonin groggy.
No, you're not getting it. We should sleep now.
So, you want easy? " he insisted.
Nooooo. Leave it at that.
So, you want easy? "
"You're unbearable. You know, some people aren't complicated. If a guy likes you more than you like him, you can freely show what you are to him and still be accepted. Your efforts will be appreciated. He would focus on what makes you happy. And I'm not dumb enough to do something stupid to loose such an amazing guy. But this is not just some random guy who likes you and you're going to take him up on the offer. This is someone whom you considered growing old with. I mean, I don't date for fun. You date someone with the consideration of a future with him, right?" I didn't get a reply. He could till be processing, could be in lalaland already or he isn't agreeing with my views. Either way, I don't care about his opinion. I just said 'right' because it fits as a good ending of my speech.
You satisfied? 'cause I really want to sleep now. "
No, not yet." he left out a devious chuckle.
Sleep. Now.
or forever hold your peace?"
You're impossible!" I was wrigling my legs together to produce more heat as the air temperature kept dropping by the minute.
You feeling any better?" he asked. "Your feet are ice cold and so are your hands," he was reaching for my fingers.
I'll just blow air to my palms. I'll be fine."
You are not fine. ", he mumbled as he slid his hands between us and held my hands into a tiny ball underneath his warm hand. I was lulled to sleep in the comfort of his warm embrace, his hands patting my back, his legs on my thighs, his breath on my forehead, his other hand on mine- and he smells like home.
Part Last Chapter
Coffee
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